a garden in riotous bloom
Beautiful. Damn hard. Increasingly useful.
"She thinks she's alone, doesn't even know" 
rosefox: Me looking out a window, pensive. (relaxed)
Today was September 11th. Every year is different and this year I was purely avoidant. I scrolled quickly through LJ and DW, and continued to live in my mentions on Twitter. (I am loving living in my mentions and might never go back to big Twitter. It's so peaceful and quiet.) When I put away the dinner leftovers I wrote "9/10" on the lid. I left my annual comment for [livejournal.com profile] fimbrethil and otherwise I tried to just have a quiet day.

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My pursuit of peace was greatly aided by yesterday's giant storms, which swept summer away and brought autumn in. A/C off, window open, glorious soothing breeze all day. Sam has been very snuggly over the last couple of days, I think because of the cooler weather. Hello, autumn. I missed you so much.

X and J have likewise been very snuggly, and the three of us have been having some really nice family cuddle time. We're doing our last big relationship maintenance/upgrade push before the baby comes and we have to put that all on hold for a while, so there's been a lot of processing and serious talking and emotional vulnerability and like that, but we're all handling it pretty well, I think--other than my hormone-induced daily sobbing fits of the past week, which have sort of put a crimp in my active listening--and I love that through it all we're just being so good to one another and to ourselves. My family is the best.

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This morning I dreamed that I was on an Amtrak train to Connecticut? Boston? with J and X. We got to our stop and they got off the train, but I had so much luggage--including some awkwardly shaped fragile objects (heirlooms?) that I had to sort of clumsily wrap in a soft blanket--that I couldn't collect it all before the train started moving again. X had taken some of my things with them, so I didn't even have my suitcase.

I tried to call them to tell them I'd get off at the next stop, but J's voicemail had some weird outgoing message about not wanting anything to do with someone like me and that my phone number was now blocked, and X didn't pick up at all. That didn't make any sense, so I tried a couple more times and eventually gave up and waited for the train to stop. After 20 minutes or so, it slowed down and stopped between stations. I got a door open and jumped out onto the gravel next to the track, carrying the awkward bundle, and an Amtrak conductor was waiting there. He said "Are you Rose Fox? Come with me" and took me off to a building at the nearby train yard. We were somewhere outside of Boston at that point.

It turned out that some woman on the train had seen me pointing at something and thought I was pointing at her, and she got very upset about it and filed a sexual harassment complaint against me. The conductor explained that I would have to stay at the building while they investigated the complaint. He assured me that this person was known for making false complaints and generally being a pest, and he was sure they would find that I hadn't done anything wrong, but they still had to follow protocol and investigate.

I realized that X and J must have learned about this and that was why they cut me off. I understood the principle of believing the victim but was crushed that they had shut me out so completely. I started trying to think of other people I could call to come pick me up once the investigation was concluded and I was proven innocent. I thought Emily might come and help, but my phone had lost her number. I felt totally abandoned and alone and miserable.

I have rarely been so purely relieved to wake up and realize something was a dream.

Obvious symbolism is obvious. I'm impressed that my subconscious managed to turn my usual missed trains/missed stops/lost luggage nightmare into a nightmare about being unjustly abandoned and left to struggle with the baby (= awkward bundle in a blanket) on my own. I didn't even know I was afraid of that happening but apparently I am. And also it was a dream about how I have too much baggage and my loved ones will leave me because of it. Good job, brain. Very efficient.

Fortunately X and J were both working from home today, so I was able to go and get lots of hugs from them and be reassured that they would not in fact cut me off without a word if some random person accused me of harassing her by pointing in her general direction.
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