rosefox: "My body is sick JUST because my brain is upset! This is SO STUPID." (anxiety)
Rose Fox ([personal profile] rosefox) wrote2016-07-06 10:59 pm

"Like a fuse that's burned out"

I was weeping on J and X tonight about how hard it is having my empathy cranked to maximum so I can try to understand what the baby wants/needs and do the right thing. J pointed out that the consequences of guessing wrong are really pretty minor. Oh no, I fed the baby even though they weren't all that hungry! I put them down when they wanted to be held! So what?

Then he said, "But you have a hard time around people who aren't in control."

X and I both whipped our heads up.

People who aren't in control. People who are volatile. Worrying about doing the wrong thing and not making their distress go away. Staying attuned to the tiniest shift in their behavior and leaping into action. Telling myself stories about what they're thinking. Oh yes, I know exactly how that one goes.

Kit's had a cold for the past few days and I've been a total wreck. When they get sick, my anxiety goes through the roof. I think this is part of why. They need something I can't provide, and in an abusive situation, that's doom forever. And I begin to see the illness as the abuser that I desperately need to appease or it will take the person I love away from me. It doesn't matter that all Kit has is a very minor cold and they're in zero danger. It doesn't matter that there is absolutely nothing I can do to speed the healing along. The fear is bigger than reason. It's big enough to swallow the sun. My world has been very dark recently. I can't stop hovering over the crib, can't make myself sleep, can barely eat--the moment I stop being vigilant is the moment something bad will happen, I just know it. And I berate myself for my deficiency, my anxiety, my lack of cheerful calm (my lack of a protective mask, my failure to protect Kit from my feelings), my failure to make everything perfect, while hardly realizing whose voices I hear those words in.

Not the baby's voice, though. The baby can't say those things and doesn't think those things. The baby is maybe thinking something like "I don't like the way my body feels" or maybe just "Blaaaarh". The baby doesn't blame me; they don't even have the concept of cause and effect yet. And what baby hasn't been cried on by a parent at one time or another? "If running out of cope makes you a bad parent," X told me tonight, "there are no good parents."

So I figured I'd post this for other parents who have also been in abusive relationships and might find this dynamic familiar. Because as soon as I realized that was what I was doing, I realized I could stop doing it. The baby can't hurt me. They're a baby. I have all the power in the relationship. I have to behave responsibly, but for moral reasons, not because I'm scared. If I try to do the right thing and sometimes get it wrong, the baby won't rage at me, or punch the wall, or spit cruel words, or shut me out. They won't take my wrongness as a sign of my deficiency or think I don't love them anymore. They'll just do their best to communicate that they still have unmet needs, and when I figure out the right thing to do, they'll go right back to smiling at me and trying to grab my glasses.

I have been holding the baby and whispering "I've got you, you're safe" a lot. Maybe I needed to tell myself too.
azurelunatic: Escher's Order and Chaos drawing: geometric solids and broken things.  (Order and Chaos)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2016-07-07 03:49 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you for posting this. I think I needed to read it.

[identity profile] browngirl.livejournal.com 2016-07-07 04:23 am (UTC)(link)
*hugs you and Kit both*
*sends Kit healing vibes*

I hear you a LOT. would sy more but Ihave a cold too.

[identity profile] desperance.livejournal.com 2016-07-07 05:27 am (UTC)(link)
Would a massed chorus of "We've got you, you're safe" from the internets help at all, or would that be creepy? Because, y'know. We are following along and paying attention, and we're tolerably sure you three are doing an A1 job with Kit (silly baby: what's with the cold, eh, kid?), and we all know how easy it is to forget that you need to take care not just of each other but of yourselves also, so we're not averse to giving the odd reminder.

[identity profile] mnfaure.livejournal.com 2016-07-07 08:09 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you for posting this.

[identity profile] hrj.livejournal.com 2016-07-07 02:56 pm (UTC)(link)
That sounds like a really useful insight.

[identity profile] sartorias.livejournal.com 2016-07-07 03:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Sounds like you are laying down excellent communication roads, paved with trust, which is going to be so, so important in about thirteen years. Will truly make for a smoother journey.

*hug*

[identity profile] avivasedai.livejournal.com 2016-07-07 04:18 pm (UTC)(link)
Sometimes when I'm holding Benito, one arm around his legs, the other holding his back and petting his shoulder, and his head is resting on my shoulder and my cheek is against his soft hair, he'll say "I've got you" and he'll pat my back. He's heard me say that so much. I don't know if he's saying that to comfort me, or because it feels right to him, or what. It's a lovely moment for me. It will be a lovely moment for you, too, in about a year. They soak up so much from us, on so many levels.

[identity profile] jedilora.livejournal.com 2016-07-07 05:10 pm (UTC)(link)
When I thought we were having a miscarriage a few months back, I ended up in Rose's bed sobbing hysterically. For a three year old, she's pretty empathetic and told me to sing a song to calm down-which is what we tell her when she's having a tantrum.

We're all human. We cry, we stress, and then sometimes we sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider until we can laugh.
ivy: (forest heart close)

[personal profile] ivy 2016-07-07 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Yipes, but go J for saying something helpful such that you can see the way forward.