rosefox: A man's head with a panel open to show gears, and another man looking inside. (examined head)
Rose Fox ([personal profile] rosefox) wrote2017-06-30 12:38 am

"I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue"

No 18-month Kit update yet because they've got a fierce UTI and the antibiotics have only just started kicking in, and I've been sick all week with a weird stomach bug or something, and assorted other things have been going on. But there will be one as soon as they're better. They're holding up like a champ, but they are also still a wee baby and being sick is rough. I'll be so glad when their fever is gone and their tolerance for things going even slightly not their way comes back.

~~~~~

Recently I've found myself thinking in religious terms a lot more than I used to. Not sure what to do with that. It's odd to feel my own sincerity when I describe Kit as "a blessing" or think "God willing, I'll be well enough to do laundry tomorrow". It feels very natural and reasonable, and I wouldn't look askance if I hadn't been agnostic/panentheist my whole life. Also, given my OCD and anxiety, I am generally suspicious of things appearing in my head that feel reasonable but have no rational basis.

I wonder, too, how much of this is about my Jewish identity mattering a lot more, politically, than it used to. If I'm going to be endangered by the fact of being Jewish, then I'm going to double the fuck down on my Jewishness.

But I don't feel a stronger inclination toward ritual or ceremony (or not much of one... though I have gotten more interested in celebrating holidays and learning about Jewish traditions, hm). I'm just more conscious of a... sense of a benevolent deistic presence in the fabric of the world. I mean, I've always had that sense, that's what panentheism is, but I feel it more strongly now, and I'm more inclined to invoke it.

Well, if it's a fun new kind of mental illness, it doesn't seem to be a harmful one at present. Mostly it's about joy and gratitude. I think sometimes I just feel so humbled and glad for all the things in my life that are due to chance as much or more as my efforts, and there's no real personification of chance to direct my gratitude to.

So all right, little beneficial brain worm, I'll keep you around for now. Just don't get too big, okay? I've only got so much brain.

~~~~~

This evening I managed to eat some soup AND some bread, AND I drank ginger ale. This is an improvement! It has been a pretty w/retched week. Now I'm kind of energized and of course it's nearly 1 a.m. Maybe I'll burn it off by sorting some laundry. Amazing how fast it piles up when I'm sick.
minoanmiss: (Default)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2017-06-30 05:59 am (UTC)(link)
Feel better, both of you!
sovay: (Rotwang)

[personal profile] sovay 2017-06-30 07:28 am (UTC)(link)
I wonder, too, how much of this is about my Jewish identity mattering a lot more, politically, than it used to. If I'm going to be endangered by the fact of being Jewish, then I'm going to double the fuck down on my Jewishness.

I have noted something of the same in myself, except that it does not manifest religiously.
sovay: (Morell: quizzical)

[personal profile] sovay 2017-06-30 08:38 am (UTC)(link)
I think the how is different for everyone, but a lot of us are turning to something like tradition as a positive and defiant affirmation of identity.

Poetry seems to be involved in my case.

(Would I know Rivka Rafael off Twitter?)
Edited 2017-06-30 08:39 (UTC)
sovay: (Rotwang)

[personal profile] sovay 2017-06-30 07:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, heh, I just assume all the queer Jews in SF/F know one another.

It is not your fault that I live under a rock. Thanks for the link to Rivqa's blog!
yatima: (Default)

[personal profile] yatima 2017-06-30 05:09 pm (UTC)(link)
For me it's my queerness. I'm married to a dude and could pass if I wanted to, but since the election it's been all buzzcut and army boots and Queer Nation tshirts. Gonna hate queers? Good, make sure you don't overlook me.

Also reading about ACT UP is almost the only thing that gives me hope. Yes, we can fight against impossible odds, and some of us might even survive.
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)

[personal profile] alexseanchai 2017-06-30 06:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Yup, same. Obviously I don't know about Jewishness, but you better believe I have been amping up my queerness and my transness and my religiousness and—not my disabledness exactly, but my visibility as a disabled person, I suppose.

#survive #resist #create
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)

[personal profile] alatefeline 2017-07-01 02:27 pm (UTC)(link)
Yep, same-ish. Queering up my presentation, adding more pride items, and flat refusing to edit down any autistic ways of taking up space (though I certainly don't bother other people on purpose or get in their way - I'm just working more to *not* listen to second thoughts about how to behave in public so that other people won't come bother *me* for not seeming normatively neurotypical). Talking a lot more about being gender non-conforming / cis-ish and how I mean those terms and how I don't want to define terms for others. Exploring more of my spiritual side, though not in regards to any specific religion.

Yatima, your quote is perfect.
gaudior: (Default)

[personal profile] gaudior 2017-07-05 03:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, ditto. I mean, I've been identifying as Unitarian Universalist for the past several years, but gods dam it, lately I am a UU Jew. I don't believe in the theology now any more than I did when I stopped practicing, but it is abruptly not about the theology any more. So.
Edited 2017-07-05 15:37 (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)

[personal profile] alatefeline 2017-06-30 09:13 am (UTC)(link)
<3 Hope you and Kit are both all the way better soon!
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)

[personal profile] alexseanchai 2017-06-30 06:19 pm (UTC)(link)
+1
oracne: turtle (Default)

[personal profile] oracne 2017-06-30 12:45 pm (UTC)(link)
I hope all feel better soon.

It seems like a good time in history to invoke any benevolent deistic presence that might be around.
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)

[personal profile] alexseanchai 2017-06-30 06:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Indeed.
sartorias: (Default)

[personal profile] sartorias 2017-06-30 01:02 pm (UTC)(link)
A firm believer that we need all the wellsprings of joy that we can get.

Feel better, all!
sfred: (Default)

[personal profile] sfred 2017-06-30 08:39 pm (UTC)(link)
I hope you feel better soon.
zhelana: (Default)

[personal profile] zhelana 2017-07-01 01:40 am (UTC)(link)
I think it's probably a good thing to feel thankful for all the blessings in your life.
amaebi: (Default)

[personal profile] amaebi 2017-07-01 12:50 pm (UTC)(link)
I hope Kit is soon restored. Chun Woo was awfully prone to UTIs as a baby in Korea, but only had one with us. We were thrown by it because as soon as he was medicated and his temp went down he was all Cheerful Baby, so we thought for too long that it was just a virus.

Glad you're feeling better!
redstapler: (Default)

[personal profile] redstapler 2017-07-01 10:39 pm (UTC)(link)
If I'm going to be endangered by the fact of being Jewish, then I'm going to double the fuck down on my Jewishness.

The entirety of all of this.

Especially in Texas, I feel the importance of "don't like the thing? I WILL INCREASE THE THING."

Ditto being queer.