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"If you don't weaken"
Once again unto the Kit sleep-training breach. Or solitude training, rather, because—as the child sleep specialist told us—Kit doesn't have a sleep problem, Kit has a being-alone problem. I've often said that the biggest downside of a 3:1 parent:child ratio is that there's always someone right there, and we have to consciously make space for Kit to be alone, which they often don't want to be. Add in the need for a bit more supervision and assistance because of their mobility challenges, plus a year of pandemic isolation, and you get some very close attachment. We've spent the last couple of months encouraging solitary playtime and getting Kit used to the idea that we might say no when they ask for time with us, and now it's time for the next step.
Thursday night, Kit woke X up three times, and X hit their sleep deprivation breaking point. On Friday we told Kit that from now on, they will need to stay in their room all night, even if they wake up, and if they wake us up, we're putting them back in their room and leaving rather than staying to help them fall asleep.
We decided to treat this as a skill they could learn. They don't want to learn it, but they can and will, with our help. So Kit and I sat down and made a book called "When I am alone at night", modeled on Cornelia Maude Spelman's wonderful social stories, which Kit absolutely adores. I illustrated it with photos that Kit helped me pick out, and they collaborated with me on the wording. I felt it was very important for them to be closely involved. I printed and stapled it, and they immediately loved it and said it was their favorite book. We read it several times before bed.
Then I sat on the couch and waited.
They woke up at 1:20. There followed 70 minutes in which I probably walked them back into their room 30 times—I'm not exaggerating. At first they tried to discuss it with me calmly, but soon there was arguing ("It not time learn! It not follow rule time!"), then angry sobbing and screaming (I'd posted choice boards of things to do and they tore them down), a break for an attempt at self-soothing, more screaming... they were so exhausted by the end of it that their eyes and mouth looked bruised. Finally they voluntarily lay down and I gave them some books to read in bed. There were a few more sleepy pop-ups and I kept getting them back to bed. At last they fell asleep face-down on a book. I'd told them early on that I'm more stubborn than they are, and now we both know it's true.
I was very shaken by all this. It's so hard to do something that makes your kid so sad. The screaming woke X and J, so it felt like a waste for me to have stayed up and taken the overnight in order for X to sleep; and I couldn't make myself fall asleep until 4 and then my work-adjusted body clock wouldn't let me sleep past 10, so we were all wrecked on Saturday. Fortunately Kit was an absolute angel all day, truly a delight to be around and very obviously not traumatized at all. We revised the book (with a red pencil!) based on what we'd learned the night before, and I made a second edition. Everything was genuinely fine between us. But when Kit wouldn't eat the lasagna J and I made for dinner, I struggled not to take it as personal rejection. I got so cranky that X sent me to my room and took over Kit's bedtime. I came out briefly to say goodnight and realized my hands were shaking with anxiety. I did not want another screamy night. Fortunately J said "You need aftercare!" and sat me down for some water and a pep talk about how much Kit loves me, which helped a lot.
Then I sat on the couch again, and waited.
Kit woke up at 2:40. There ensued about 15 minutes of arguing, a bit of screeching but no full-on screaming, and some thrown small toys but nothing loud. They tore down the choice boards again, saying "Rip! Rip! Rip!" Eventually they lay down on the rocking chair and let me leave. I heard them grumbling: "I don't want to. I scream." (They often say "I scream" and "I want to hit" as a way of expressing their feelings, which I think is stellar and certainly superior to actual screaming and hitting.) Then they came out again... and grabbed a very boring number workbook off their school shelf (possibly at random, but it seemed like a perfect boring read-to-sleep book) and went back in and lay down in bed. I said that was a very good choice and I was proud. I also gave them the homemade book and the Spelman books. They stayed in their room for a few minutes, got up once, and then immediately went back to bed and grabbed their tiger and giggled like this was all a fun game. They let me leave and slept the rest of the night.
I didn't expect those two points to indicate a straight line, so we were still braced for a challenging night on Sunday, but X said I could go "off shift" at 1 a.m. rather than 3. At bedtime, Kit said they wanted to play instead of going to bed, and I said we could do the same thing as overnight, so I could leave and they could make their own choices about what to do; but that only lasted a few minutes, and then they wanted cuddles and stories as usual. They did eventually get to sleep and stayed solidly asleep well past 1. X reported that they woke at 2 and woke up X, but were very sleepy and just went back to bed and let X leave with hardly a peep. X attributed this to Kit thinking "Wow, if the parent who's usually a total sap is being serious about this, I guess it's serious"; I attributed it to Kit's light being off. (I'd left it on for the first two nights.) Who knows, really.
And tonight they got up at 10:30 and again at midnight. The first round involved some arguing and a bit of crying, but once they went to the bathroom and got back in bed with books, they let me leave, and two minutes later I heard their book fall to the floor and figured they'd fallen asleep. The second round had just a little back-and-forth before they sat down with the number workbook and I could go. (Letting me leave while they were still sitting up feels like significant progress.) Maybe they'll be up again in an hour. Who knows. I'm off shift at 1 again because I have to get up at 8. I hope they're kind to X.
Everything we read about sleep training back when we first wanted to try it suggested that the process takes about two weeks, and you cannot weaken even a little or you have to start all over again. But honestly, I expected that to be two weeks of screaming, not one night of screaming and then a quick transition into Kit clearly working really hard to figure this out. We tell them repeatedly that we're proud of how hard they're trying and they should feel proud too. I say "I know you can do this" a lot—because they can. Kit going to bed with a stack of books and barely a wave as we left the room was the norm two years ago. I hold tight to that. We can get back there. I believe.
I really hope we don't have to give up cuddly bedtime. I love getting that time to read to them and talk about the day. But if cuddly bedtime can end with Kit reading in bed while I say goodnight and leave, that seems ideal. We need to figure out a lighting solution they can control more easily than the ceiling light, which has a wall switch that's hard to reach—maybe these touch-sensitive wall lights, which are much less breakable than touch-sensitive bedside lamps and would be a fun stim for bedtime self-soothing, and/or a LumiPet—and then they can really operate independently.
It's 1 a.m. and they're still asleep, so I'm going to bed. Fingers crossed for a quiet rest of the night, and for continued progress and minimal screaming over the rest of the week.
(If you're curious, there's a PDF of our homemade book here with the photos set to 5% opacity for privacy. Enjoy but please don't distribute.)
Thursday night, Kit woke X up three times, and X hit their sleep deprivation breaking point. On Friday we told Kit that from now on, they will need to stay in their room all night, even if they wake up, and if they wake us up, we're putting them back in their room and leaving rather than staying to help them fall asleep.
We decided to treat this as a skill they could learn. They don't want to learn it, but they can and will, with our help. So Kit and I sat down and made a book called "When I am alone at night", modeled on Cornelia Maude Spelman's wonderful social stories, which Kit absolutely adores. I illustrated it with photos that Kit helped me pick out, and they collaborated with me on the wording. I felt it was very important for them to be closely involved. I printed and stapled it, and they immediately loved it and said it was their favorite book. We read it several times before bed.
Then I sat on the couch and waited.
They woke up at 1:20. There followed 70 minutes in which I probably walked them back into their room 30 times—I'm not exaggerating. At first they tried to discuss it with me calmly, but soon there was arguing ("It not time learn! It not follow rule time!"), then angry sobbing and screaming (I'd posted choice boards of things to do and they tore them down), a break for an attempt at self-soothing, more screaming... they were so exhausted by the end of it that their eyes and mouth looked bruised. Finally they voluntarily lay down and I gave them some books to read in bed. There were a few more sleepy pop-ups and I kept getting them back to bed. At last they fell asleep face-down on a book. I'd told them early on that I'm more stubborn than they are, and now we both know it's true.
I was very shaken by all this. It's so hard to do something that makes your kid so sad. The screaming woke X and J, so it felt like a waste for me to have stayed up and taken the overnight in order for X to sleep; and I couldn't make myself fall asleep until 4 and then my work-adjusted body clock wouldn't let me sleep past 10, so we were all wrecked on Saturday. Fortunately Kit was an absolute angel all day, truly a delight to be around and very obviously not traumatized at all. We revised the book (with a red pencil!) based on what we'd learned the night before, and I made a second edition. Everything was genuinely fine between us. But when Kit wouldn't eat the lasagna J and I made for dinner, I struggled not to take it as personal rejection. I got so cranky that X sent me to my room and took over Kit's bedtime. I came out briefly to say goodnight and realized my hands were shaking with anxiety. I did not want another screamy night. Fortunately J said "You need aftercare!" and sat me down for some water and a pep talk about how much Kit loves me, which helped a lot.
Then I sat on the couch again, and waited.
Kit woke up at 2:40. There ensued about 15 minutes of arguing, a bit of screeching but no full-on screaming, and some thrown small toys but nothing loud. They tore down the choice boards again, saying "Rip! Rip! Rip!" Eventually they lay down on the rocking chair and let me leave. I heard them grumbling: "I don't want to. I scream." (They often say "I scream" and "I want to hit" as a way of expressing their feelings, which I think is stellar and certainly superior to actual screaming and hitting.) Then they came out again... and grabbed a very boring number workbook off their school shelf (possibly at random, but it seemed like a perfect boring read-to-sleep book) and went back in and lay down in bed. I said that was a very good choice and I was proud. I also gave them the homemade book and the Spelman books. They stayed in their room for a few minutes, got up once, and then immediately went back to bed and grabbed their tiger and giggled like this was all a fun game. They let me leave and slept the rest of the night.
I didn't expect those two points to indicate a straight line, so we were still braced for a challenging night on Sunday, but X said I could go "off shift" at 1 a.m. rather than 3. At bedtime, Kit said they wanted to play instead of going to bed, and I said we could do the same thing as overnight, so I could leave and they could make their own choices about what to do; but that only lasted a few minutes, and then they wanted cuddles and stories as usual. They did eventually get to sleep and stayed solidly asleep well past 1. X reported that they woke at 2 and woke up X, but were very sleepy and just went back to bed and let X leave with hardly a peep. X attributed this to Kit thinking "Wow, if the parent who's usually a total sap is being serious about this, I guess it's serious"; I attributed it to Kit's light being off. (I'd left it on for the first two nights.) Who knows, really.
And tonight they got up at 10:30 and again at midnight. The first round involved some arguing and a bit of crying, but once they went to the bathroom and got back in bed with books, they let me leave, and two minutes later I heard their book fall to the floor and figured they'd fallen asleep. The second round had just a little back-and-forth before they sat down with the number workbook and I could go. (Letting me leave while they were still sitting up feels like significant progress.) Maybe they'll be up again in an hour. Who knows. I'm off shift at 1 again because I have to get up at 8. I hope they're kind to X.
Everything we read about sleep training back when we first wanted to try it suggested that the process takes about two weeks, and you cannot weaken even a little or you have to start all over again. But honestly, I expected that to be two weeks of screaming, not one night of screaming and then a quick transition into Kit clearly working really hard to figure this out. We tell them repeatedly that we're proud of how hard they're trying and they should feel proud too. I say "I know you can do this" a lot—because they can. Kit going to bed with a stack of books and barely a wave as we left the room was the norm two years ago. I hold tight to that. We can get back there. I believe.
I really hope we don't have to give up cuddly bedtime. I love getting that time to read to them and talk about the day. But if cuddly bedtime can end with Kit reading in bed while I say goodnight and leave, that seems ideal. We need to figure out a lighting solution they can control more easily than the ceiling light, which has a wall switch that's hard to reach—maybe these touch-sensitive wall lights, which are much less breakable than touch-sensitive bedside lamps and would be a fun stim for bedtime self-soothing, and/or a LumiPet—and then they can really operate independently.
It's 1 a.m. and they're still asleep, so I'm going to bed. Fingers crossed for a quiet rest of the night, and for continued progress and minimal screaming over the rest of the week.
(If you're curious, there's a PDF of our homemade book here with the photos set to 5% opacity for privacy. Enjoy but please don't distribute.)
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I hope this resolves quickly--sounds like you've got a wonderful plan in play.
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Best of luck with Kit. Sounds like promising progress so far, hard as it's been.
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(They often say "I scream" and "I want to hit" as a way of expressing their feelings, which I think is stellar and certainly superior to actual screaming and hitting.)
okay this is AMAZING and can Kit teach this to E. (who, okay, is learning it, but she's much older than Kit :P )
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Kit's book is brilliant, I love it so much. I love reading your posts about parenting in particular. I hope sleep /alone training continues smoothly!
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