My 20th self-wedding anniversary was on Tuesday. I wish I'd had a chance to write about it then, but we had an unexpected two days without childcare, and between that and the sleep training, my brain is very fried.

So... 20 years. That is a good long time. I mean, it's not like I could divorce myself, but it's pretty awesome to still be actively engaging in self-marriage: taking my ring off at night because I can, putting it on in the morning because I choose to, and doing my best to cherish and support and care for myself and be my own best advocate.

All these things I will be to myself:
Kind
Respectful
Courteous
Honest
Gentle
Patient
Loving
Generous

When I think about habits I've taught myself, I don't usually include those, but I should. My wedding vows were certainly aspirational in 2001. Now they're second nature.

2001 was a very big year for me in a number of ways—9/11 being the most obvious—and this is the first of those 20-year anniversaries. In March it'll be 20 years since I started my LiveJournal. April, 20 years since I had a wrenching mental breakdown. June, 20 years since I moved to San Francisco and met J in person. And then the September–December stretch of endings and beginnings. I'm glad that litany starts with my pledge to be good to myself. I needed it desperately then, and it will see me through the memories as well as it saw me through the happenings.

I usually take myself out for dinner for my anniversary; obviously that's not an option this year, and I'm not sure what to do to replace it. I hardly do anything out in the world by myself these days. I can't even go for walks at the moment because I think my PT would leap through the screen and throttle me if I risked my back by taking a walk in the ice and snow. So that will have to wait.

My other tradition for big anniversaries is buying myself jewelry. It often features the fourfold knot that's in my original wedding ring (see userpic), though for my 10th anniversary I bought myself a plain band to honor my masculine side, so that's not a hard and fast rule. I went looking for the entry about that ring and was amused to see this:

As we were walking down St. Mark's, I reenacted my wedding ring purchase: walked over to a jewelry stall, glanced at the rings, picked one up, put it on, it fit perfectly, I asked how much it was, the guy said "$10", I gave him $10. Now I have a tenth anniversary ring that's very different from my wedding ring. I've been vaguely thinking I should get a more masculine ring to wear when I'm crossdressed, and this one is perfect. It's a plain band of brushed white metal (I'd be very surprised if it were silver; it looks almost like steel but is probably nickel or something), broad and hefty without weighing down my hand. It is comfortably androgynous. I might start wearing it a lot. I still love my other ring, of course, but this one is very apropos to who I am right now. Maybe I'll get another one in ten years to suit who I am then.

I did actually get another ring late last year, sort of: I gained some pandemic pounds and my old rings no longer fit, so I borrowed a similarly plain ring from X. But it's time to properly choose and buy one for myself. So instead of St. Mark's, I went to Etsy and bought a silver and eilat stone ring. I've been coveting eilat jewelry for months, and that design is just perfect. I'm considering getting a second one in a more masculine or gender-neutral style (maybe this or this?), but my wife remains my wife, no matter what gender shifts I go through, so it seems appropriate to go with a more feminine ring first.

I do wish I could go to St. Mark's and stop at the first jewelry stall I see and buy the first ring that fits. Maybe I'll also do that when it gets above freezing next week and the ice melts a bit. In the meantime, I'm very happy with this, and looking forward to the next 20 years and beyond with my amazing, supportive, fabulous wife.